For all have sinned and fallen short…

While hammering, and plying some tank parts today, I realise that I wanted to blog tonight. I started to think of what to blog, and I got nothing. But I know I wanted to blog.

I remember those days when I use to blog like the freaggin straits times back in blogger. (ps. the blogs still exist) Now tumblr has made blogging a pasting or reblogging of what others have put up on the internet. While that is kind of cool and new age, I think blogging has turned from a self-reflection space, into a forum of spammed imagery/ideas. I guess it leaves less space to reflect, think and feel.Its not BAD, but I have moved away from it.

Anyway, I have found something to blog about.

Have you guys ever felt like you’ve never been quite enough?

Kind of like Rom 3:23

You’re never quite THE son. Never quite the friend. Never quite the musician. Never quite the cell leader. Never quite the elder brother. Never quite the song writer. Never quite the soldier. Never quite what people thought you out to be. Never quite what you thought yourself out to be. Never quite the giver. Never quite the Christian. Never quite the sportsman. Never quite the artist. Never quite the speaker. Never nearly as cool you think you are. Never as awesome as you would like to be. Almost never really quite anything.

I fight this battle everyday, and I guess all of us do. We try to be the best we can get out of ourselves, and try to meet a mark that someone else has put on us. attempt to wear the status people throw at us, and try to meet that expectation.

I dare not even type anything else because I cannot end this post with an answer. I also don’t want to just give a textbook answer and bluff myself that I’ve got it. I’d say God, and I know it probably is. But once again, this is my post. I don’t want to reblog a fun idea, or a scenic picture.

Perhaps, meeting the mark, is the pursuit of meeting the mark. Or not?

We use to live in simpler times.

Had It All Planned Out

I had it all planned out.

I knew I was going to a place where I could chase my dream. I knew for sure I would start doing some music, and start something I was passionate about in my life. I drafted my schedule according to my ‘master plan’. It was all perfect.

But perfection is never within our reach is it?

Well, army didn’t think so, life spat at my dream, and at that moment, I felt, God wasn’t interested in my dream either.

This post might seem like a “Pre-Christianity” talk, but I guess our human nature fails us sometimes, even though we have God in our lives, and thats why I am in this ‘pit’.

Its really tiring to hope anymore. I mean, I keep wishing, dreaming, and praying that THE DREAM would happen, but I always end up VERY disppointed.

Its easy to get blown off by a stranger, but when someone close blows you off time and time again, it gets really disappointing and it gets at your ‘faith’.

I also hate it that I am always the majority. The commoner. Part of the mass. Another number. I don’t feel special at all. I see people getting their breakthrough moment, and their ‘special’ moment, but I am always one of the majority. The one that is normal, and part of the blur of mediocrity, and of the status quo. If there was a “person A who gets something, person B who gets something else, and the REST gets whatever thats left”, I’d probably get thing whats left. I never feel like “The exception”, or that different one.

Throw a stone in the crowd and hit a random person, I’m probably like that person. That sucks so bad. No one wants to be a duplicate, or mass-made, you know?

This post is a very selfish post, so please don’t judge me.

You guys probably feel me too. Just needed to get that off my chest.

But for you guys who really feel like the dream is not working out, or that thing you keep asking for is not within close reach, keep knocking, because in Luke 11 it says:

⁵ Then, teaching them more about prayer, he used this story: “Suppose you went to a friend’s house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, ⁶ ‘A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.’ ⁷ And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can’t help you.’ ⁸ But I tell you this—though he won’t do it for friendship’s sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence.^[d]

 ⁹ “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

Who names an MRT station “Yew Tee”?!

I need to just diarr-ate my whole day here.

If you’re not interested to hear a list of negative encounters, you probably want to go to like www.omgfacts.com or www.failblog.org or something.

————————————————————-

1.

HANDPHONE

So I left my home, and I wanted to take out my phone to message Iris, my beloved wife.

Reached into my pocket………….. WRONG! it was there. (Bad day hasn’t started at this point)

Then I turned it on, and the best thing that can happen to your phone at the start of the day is… it is out of batt.

So I had to survive the whole day without a handphone. If not you would’ve seen many tweet@sg tweets from me.

.2

CAMP

Then, after taking 168, then MRT from woodlands to Yew Tee <——- (Probably named after some Viet kid), I started my walk to my camp. 

I took like 10-15 min to reach the GATE of my camp. 

Then, to my mother horror, the gates of the camp is another 7min walk from my building. Yeah. 7min FAST walk.

So I will take 20min just to walk from the MRT station to my building.

.3

STAY IN

As if its not bad enough, during my whole day there, we had our induction.

They briefed us on many things, like discipline, and stuff.

Then they told us that actually, our camp is a stay-in camp from next week onwards.

That means, this week I get to book out everyday, then next week, its Tekong life ALL OVER AGAIN.

Book in on Sunday, Book out on Friday.

Everyone was demoralized afterwards. Well, at least me and my 2other ex-bunkmates were.

.4

FLU&COUGH

On top of all these, I have been having flu and cough ever since my Phuket trip, or even before.

Now I can’t smell properly, and I keep sneezing.

What a sucky feeling.

And its been like a week or more. I hope this heals fast.

.5

EARS

Remember I went to Phuket?

Yeah. When I came back on the plane, my ears became blocked and muffled from the pressure of the air when the plane was landing.

So it stayed with me for a while, and only the left side cleared on Saturday.

So today, I could only hear clearly with my left ear. My right ear is partially deaf.

BUT! It doesnt end here.

Today, while dozing off (Cuz the Sergeants were attending to some stuff), my left ear suddenly like caved in and BECOME MUFFLED AGAIN!

WALESHIAT?! REALLY. TELL ME HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

How can an ear be reclogged?!

So now I am partially deaf in both ears, and now, I have lost 2/5 of my senses. Smell and hearing.

This ear thing was probably one of the worst things. I can’t lead a normal life like that.

It is, LITERALLY, like wearing 2 in-ear earpiece without playing music.

That is what I am hearing.

IT SUCKS REALLY BAD….. D’:

.6

HOME

Lastly, its the trip home.

Walked to the MRT, and at 6pm, the traffic at the MRT/Bus stops aren’t sightly.

I took an MRT to woodlands, and went to the terminal to take 168.

THERE WERE PROBABLY 168 PEOPLE QUEUING FOR 168!

SRSL. Ok. Maybe not 168, but the line stretched freaggin long. Probably a double deck wouldnt be able to take the whole line.

So I gave up and took the MRT home. Took me 1hour plus.

Then all these 6 things combined throughout the day made my day rather horrid.

——————————————————————————

I probably need some prayers.

Please include me in your prayer list. Thank You.

Honestly…

I honestly never thought this day would come. Really, honestly. Who would’ve thought Jesus would come after Sept 13 2010.

Since when I was young, probably about 11, I always thought to myself “Army? By the time Jesus come already la”

Surprise surprise 20-year-old Jarrold.

I really cannot believe that in less than 12hours time, I’d be in Tekong. This information is just too insanely heavy for my mind to comprehend. So many thoughts, so many doubts, yet so many hopes.

The only thing I can really depend and hope in is Jesus. Other than that, nothing is certain.

Whether I’d get a good officer, good buddy, nice bed, all not firm and certain. The only thing that doesn’t change is Jesus, and He is whom I lie my hopes in.

And you know, as much as people tell me, “You’re going to enjoy it”, “Its nothing la”, “Its only 2 weeks”, I cant just turn off the anxiety and whatever. Never thought army would be such an emotional trying process.

Sorry. I take that back. PRE-ENLISTMENT is a painful process.

I came up with this theory. Its better to be in shiat, than knowing you’re going to be in shiat.

I guess once I step into the camp and take part in the stuff, I’ll be less emotionally flustered than now. I am very caught between my feelings, and the hopes I have for army. Hopes in how God is going to use me, and how I am going to thrive in it.

But at the same time, its like “Nun Funk. I rather take the backseat”.

But wow. The things that army does to a pre-enlistee’s mind. I’ve not felt like this in a long time. Probably the last time was when I was transiting into the Secondary school phase. I wanted to go to another school but ended up in Bedok North, and I was very very very thorn between my desired school and where I was posted.

I remember I cried and whined, and begged my mum let me appeal for the other school. I remember such desperation I expressed. Now, I am a man, but sometimes the 12-year-old in me is still whining about going into the army. Begging and crying.

But on a lighter note, I really believe what everyone has been saying. I might even come out enjoying army. Who knows you know?

Afterall, I’ve only heard things about army, and these are 2nd hand news, tampered with by the person’s perspective. I really hope this 2weeks pass by fast.

And, I hope I enjoy it, although people might start mocking me.

But hey, if you cant beat the shiat, join the shiat.

Well, no more pity-party here.

I gotta do what every young man has to/will do.

Inevitable

Impending

Imminent

Don’t cry for me.

Actually, I hope I don’t cry for you tomorrow.

Night……………………….. sir.

-Jarrold

WHATHESHHHH!?!?!?! AHAHAHAHAHA!

(Source: ddeiwos, via nicolecheesecake)

Me and Colin wanted to post this up for GoP Idol, but I guess we were too lousy. D:

HAH. Anyway, enjoy the outfits.

Parched hopes

Running low on many things.

I am really sick of this. ARGH! So many thoughts to consolidate, but I feel so lost. I don’t know where to start.

First of all, nothing good is coming out of this week, and the previous week. Had guard duty which is meant to be punishment, but they randomly selected me to be one of these people. Then there went my book-out. My weekend flew out the window.

Then I have this cough. This cough is not helping me to train well and properly, and at the same time, not bad enough so that I can see the doctor. Surviving on left over medicine now.

Then, this week is suppose to be a Friday bookout day, then they decided to change it to a Saturday. So, this week, I’ll be booking out on a saturday.

There are so many more things that I am thinking about right now. Like where God wants me to go in this army life. What am I suppose to do, think, and feel.

Then I feel like I have unspoken expectations to meet. Everyone has been telling me about this and about that about army, and I feel like a statue of “What-Jarrold-Should-Be” has been carved out and placed on a stand for everyone to see.

Anyone who reads this, please don’t let my thoughts affect your faith or whatever in me. I mean, I am still the Jarrold you know and stuff, but where I am now, is different from what you think I am in.

Don’t know if that makes sense, and I don’t even know if I understand myself. You might say “Pray, Read the Bible, etc..” And I KNOW that.  Of course I do, and I do that when I can, but more than just this I am struggling with the idea of this too.

I am not backsliding, just put in an uncomfortable position. I don’t want to compromise, but…. you know. nah. You don’t.

I know when I am out of this storm, I will probably look back and say God was good, and etc. But even though sailors talk about storms, they don’t sail INTO storms to later talk about them.

Similarly, I never intended to sail into this storm, and I don’t know when I’ll see the sun again.

Aya. enough of my woes and whatever.

I know God is still good, but its just hard to grasp it now, with the lightning and clouds all around.

Rescue - Desperation Band

You are the source of the life I can’t be left behind No one else will do I will take hold of You I need You Jesus To come to my rescue Where else can I go There’s no other name by Which I am saved Capture me with grace I will follow You This world has nothing for me I will follow You This world has nothing for me I will follow You